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Back to Oz
Looking in the rearview mirror, Lyon compulsively smoothes his thinning hair, then roughs it up, then flattens it again. He surveys his hair loss and picks at a bump in the center of a bald spot (a wart, I've told him) and sighs. Traffic begins to move sluggishly along and he eases the car into first muttering under his breath about this kind of driver or that kind of driver. Periodically he throws up his hands in exaggerated frustration. As if this will help somehow, I sit very still and silent in the passenger seat. The dog is in my lap. He peers out the window with a look of boredom. I sympathize; this is our fourth day now in the car driving across featureless landscapes and now stuck in the traffic of some large industrial city.
In the backseat the boys (men really but I think of them as boys) are playing some game or other. A minute ago it was an extended game of "paper, scissors, rock" but now I think they are on to some kind of game involving license plates. While nothing seems to make Lyon happy, it seems there is nothing that will even begin to dampen their spirits.
I wonder if having them along was a good idea. When Lyon and I had first begun to discuss our voyage months ago, the symmetry of having them along was so appealing that it wasn't even something we had talked about.
After all, Tinny and SC were there with us in the beginning…
We ease out of the city and Lyon, seeing signs for our destination, finally seems to calm down. I turn the radio dial at the same time that the boys burst out into a very loud bout of laughter. Lyon glares at me, because they are laughing or because I've touched something on the instrument panel I don't know. My hand darts out quickly touching the power switch turning off the radio. This wakes Toto who growls drowsily but immediately goes back to sleep.
At this time of day, sunset, we are usually pulling into a hotel. But, today we are too close to our destination. Lyon doesn't want to stop. The boys fall asleep in the back: SC with his head thrown back arms crosses, Tinny resting on his shoulder. Using a sign we pass I make a rough estimation as to when we will arrive in Oz. Sometime around midnight.
There is an irony in this, I think. I am free to do a lot of thinking now that Lyon doesn't need me to give him directions. I can almost relax now. I remember back to our first journey together, the four of us, so long ago. It was me, who was in charge, wasn't it? Perhaps this quest for Lyon is a mistake, a perversion. Certainly this is different: Before we were on a quest, each of us and all of us. Now, it is just Lyon and he doesn't even know what it is that he wants. Before, the Wizard gave Lyon a medal for bravery (he has it in his laptop carry on, I checked), SC got a certificate, and Tinny got a big ticking heart. The boys and I were happy before really but without direction or confidence and we're happy now but more settled, I guess. Lyon it seems was insecure and mean before and insecure and mean after.
Yesterday, in a moment of calm, he assured me that his moments of aggression are due to a panic or frustration that he feels and should not be taken seriously. How can I not take it seriously?! I think now. He treats no one else with such utter disdain. Why me? Or maybe a better question should be: What has changed in me that I now tolerate such things? On our Great Journey, years ago, I was confident - in charge! The boys and even Lyon deferred to me, supported me, and advised me. I commanded respect. And now?
This will go badly I fear.
Once in Oz we find the Emerald City easily enough but it is not the splendid city we had once known. The doors are ajar in a haphazard fashion; one is coming free from a hinge. No one greets us. In fact, there is no one even in the streets. Trash is everywhere. We circle looking for a hotel or even a safe place to park and spend the night. Lyon says that we are out of gas and that I should look for a gas station. I say that I just saw one, two turns ago. He quizzes me: Am I sure I know exactly were it is because we don't want to run out of gas driving around trying to find some place I'm not even really sure of. Am I sure I know exactly? Well, no. Not exactly. So we drive on. I nervously watch the LED numbers on the dashboard count down to zero and then stop. We drive on. I'm almost in tears with anxiety over running out of gas in an unfamiliar and bad part of a town. But more than that, I worry about Lyon. I worry about the tantrum he will throw…the swearing, hitting himself in the head, saying "stupid" over and over again…
We find a gas station and roll into it with what I image is the last teaspoon of gas in the tank. I rouse Toto and encourage him to pee on the new asphalt of the lot. Lyon pumps gas with a grim expression. I note that his pants are unbuttoned and mostly unzipped. This is new. He undoes them every time he sits down now. He's getting fat. His face is becoming lined. He is old and continuing to play the part of a younger man drinking almost everyday, going out most nights, dating girls now almost half his age. What is the cure for this? I wonder. Is this even something the Wizard can help with?
I look at the worn red shoes on my feet and wish a destiny was as obvious and forthcoming for him as for me. The ruby slippers were such a clear conclusion in my life that even the time before I had them I somehow knew I would someday have them; they have always felt a part of me. Tinny and SC both had nothing and so had nothing to lose, no expectations of what they might find. It was Lyon who had a vision of what it is he deserves in life. This follows him like a curse and colors everything. There is never enough, nothing is ever good enough, he is not enough. He is a king among men and yet here he is pumping his own gas. Somehow this seems right - what he deserves - although not just.
He closes the door a little too hard when he gets back in. The boys wake up, stretch in an exaggerated and comical way, and ask were we are. Lyon answers nicely enough but it is me that can see his face and I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, How is it that I am associate with these buffoons? Then he gives me a critical glance, looking me over, dwelling on the shoes with a mixture of revulsion and jealously and we drive on.
The doors to the Wizard's castle are unlocked. We venture inside, Lyon in the lead.
SC sidles up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's been tough, hasn't it?" He asks and I work to hold back tears.
"I just remember when we were so much happier, when he was so much happier," I say now actually crying.
Up ahead Tinny is trying to chat with Lyon. Lyon is listening but his attention is clearly on his surroundings. I note how odd it is that we, that is Tinny, SC, Toto and I, are all quite relaxed but that Lyon is anxious as if waiting to be ambushed.
"Dot," SC says. "Do you remember that one party we had in the park where he was swinging you around upside down?"
I laugh. "Which party was that?" I ask, knowing the answer. "Lyon used to swing me around at all the parties."
"This is why we like him so much, right? He's always goofing around and-"
"And making fun of people," I finish. "SC, I wonder, what do you think Lyon should ask the Wizard for?"
"Guidance. Lyon has everything he needs he just can't see it."
SC and I lock gazes for a moment and I realize how much I've underestimated him. In front of us, Tinny has gotten Lyon to laugh a little.
In the great area that is the receiving room of the Great and Powerful Oz, we stop and turn about waiting for something to happen. SC, the brainy one, goes about inspecting various wall panels.
I wonder what will happen. Perhaps the Wizard will take Lyon on a journey like that of Mr. Scrooge: Look, you were happy once, now your life is empty of meaning, if you don't change you will die without the love of even Dot.
A portly man with the look of one with who just heard a wonderful joke emerged from the shadows. He is wearing a grey suit. As SC was the closest, the man approached him first.
"Scarecrow! How excellent to see you! And how have you been using the gift that I gave you?" The Wizard asked shaking his hand vigorously.
"Well Mr. Wizard, I'm actually Dr. Scarecrow now. I've been using my brains to work on the problems…"
My attention drifts as a familiar knot grew in my chest. I stare openly at Lyon. His self loathing is clear to me in his stance however he is clearly working to project an image of calm self-confidence. He even smiles as the Wizard speaks.
"I am so proud of you!" the Wizard beamed. "So, so proud!"
He turns to Tinny. They chat…
What will this mean for me? I wonder. Only a few weeks ago it was me who bullied him to go to the Wizard. I told him that we should go so that I could seek advise on solving what it ever it is that makes him so unhappy with me. Of course we both know that the problem is not with me but Lyon needs for us to pretend that this is not so and, as always, I go along.
He turns to me, arms outstretched. We embrace. He kissed me on the cheek.
"My dearest Dorothy-" Toto interrupted with a bark. "And Toto!" he said bending down to pet the dog on the head.
"My dear," he says dropping his smile suddenly. "You still possess all the answers you seek. Remember the lessons from before: Follow your heart; do not be swayed by the problems of others."
He brushes a tear from my cheek. "This may not end the way that you want," he says and I try turn away crying but he holds me firm. "You cannot make people change." He pauses and I look up. "Or, be happy."
He releases me and turns to Lyon.
"The Lion. King of the forest. Lord of all he surveys. And yet here you are. Why are you here Lion?"
Lyon does not answer.
"Lion, I think you have something to say to Dorothy, don't you?"
Lyon's hands ball into fists and he looks at the flagstone floor.
"Lion," the wizard says now more gently.
"Dorothy," Lyon says without looking up. "I have deceived you. The kindness I showed you was out of pity and a need for your love. I don't respect you. I fear I have never loved you.
My eyes are big. I'm not sure I am breathing. I can not move.
Lyon finally looks up at me, anger mixed with a deep sadness show in his gesture. "There is someone else."
I look at Tinny and SC. They look away. They already know!
"Well at least there's now a complete set! Lying, stealing and now cheating!" I look furiously from one to the next of them. Only the wizard returns my look.
"This is why we came all this way? I paid half the expenses on this journey, tolerated your horrible behavior for this? For you to betray me?!"
"You should have never tolerated me," he said at the same time refusing all the love I had ever given him and accusing me of stupidity.
"I thought... I thought you needed… I didn't believe what you said. I thought your bad behavior was because you...you hated yourself."
Lyon turns away. "SC or Timmy are the kind of guys who would always treat you right. But I'm not like them," he said with a hint of satisfaction at his uniqueness. "If I'd had stronger feelings for you, or respected you more, I would have treated you better."
I have a fleeting fantasy that instead of ruby slippers I had been given a sword - no a dagger! - that I might slip gently between a set of ribs and then twist and twist until blood frothes from his mouth. I would want only one lung punctured that I might know of his suffering while he lived on.
And yet, at the same time I know absolutely that there is nothing I can do to injure him in such a way that he might feel. That and, he is more intent on injuring and punishing himself than I ever could be. Leaving him to live with himself is the best and the only justice I can ever hope to have.
"You will feel like you have lost your heart," the Wizard said to me. "But you haven't. You haven't."
He then looks at my ragged red shoes peaking from beneath a pair of worn jeans. One could clearly make out the shape of each toe bulging over the soles. We both look up and lock gazes. I clearly understand his meaning: Go home.
But he needs me! I think. The Wizard shakes his head.
I have lost my way and now must go home. Home. Home.
There's no place like home…
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"I may be crap but I'm better than you."
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